geordie_jihad (  I'm offline )
Nostalgia isn't as good as it used to be.
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In My Own Words...
http://profile.myspace.com/BroonAleI was going to spend a few minutes amending my profile, trying not to catch my own reflection in the monitor lest I gaze deeply into my own eyes and marvel at the sheer aching pointlessness of the task, but having decamped from the FTJ forums, I decided it was worth a few seconds of my ever declining time on this planet. Anyway, what was wrong with the FTJ forums? How long is a piece of string? They're just amazingly, hideously, unacceptably, reason-defyingly awful: one prolonged vomit of mirthless shit, propagated squarely by the kind of cow-brained retards who spend 98% of their waking life wondering which ringtone to download next. We should be rounding these people up and chemically neutering them, not giving them time and space to air their facile thoughts and predjudices. Anyway, about me, believe it or not, I used to believe that we humans evolved from monkeys. Not any longer though, no, not in the least. Darwinism, you can forget it. It's all because I've just read this book, you may have heard of it, it's called the Bible. I believe it's widely available, so have a look for a copy of it. I think it can usually be found near people with a vaguely too strong scent of biscuits and urine and not too faint a smell of prejudice, but I digress. Back to the point, it seems I was wrong all along, as wrong as Mr Darwin's beard, you see we humans didn't evolve from apes at all, not a bit of it. A rather pleasant chap called God created us. I can almost see your sneers of cynical disbelief in the transient glow of the monitor, but believe me, it's all here in black and white. God created the heaven and the earth, says so here clear as anything in Genesis. Then he said "Let there be light" and "there was light". As I say, pretty impressive chap this God. No, hang on a second, he's bloody impressive. He did that after he had made the heaven and the earth, which means he made the universe in the dark! That's more impressive than growing a beard you could lose a badger in, even you hard-bitten cynics have to admit. To be fair, it doesn't really go into much detail. Probably for the best though, if you've ever read Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Time I'm sure you'll agree. Best to leave it vague. Don't want to befuddle the masses with too much science, or in this case, any science. As I say, clever fellow this God. So clever in fact that he made man from a pile of dust and woman from one of man's ribs. Quite why this was necessary isn't quite clear, what with having just created the universe and light out of nothing at all. But I suppose I'm not meant to question these things. However, what I have to question, sorry about this God, but just what the fuck were you thinking of with the snake? You've just created paradise for the being that you have created in your own image, so what would be the logical next step? Of course, make a gob-shite snake that's going to fuck the whole thing up. Ok, if you really felt the snake was necessary, why not give the tree a miss, as I think we've found, the two together are a fatal combination. Or maybe you should have made a snake that didn't talk. Oh, didn't I mention that, oh yes, it's a talking snake. Don't ask questions though, it's all here in black and white, no need to apply logic to it. I'm sure further on in this fine publication I read that God is "everywhere" and is "all-seeing", now if that is the case, when the snake started going on and on to Eve about eating the apple, why didn't he step in and tell her not to listen to the slithery little bastard? But again, I suppose I'm again questioning what shouldn't be questioned. The same as I shouldn't really question the punishments. What with man now having to work in the fields, and woman having to suffer terrible pain in childbirth. No, no, what you may have read about such pain being a result of evolving into a biped, thus leading to a narrowing and change of angle of the birth canal, and thus requiring children to be born before they are fully developed, thus leading to a necessary family bond which has made the species so successful, that's all nonsense; it's all because of the snake. So what happens to the bloody snake? Who, remember, was the one that fucked everything up; is he cast into the fiery depths of Hell? Well, not quite. He must "slide on his belly for the rest of his days". Is it I, or is that not much of a punishment for a snake? He must have been near to tears when he heard the verdict, what with just having destroyed paradise, he really must have feared the worst. Now he'll never fly or bounce or teleport; like snakes normally fucking do. As I say, the snake was a mistake, and not just in the one sense. It was a mistake for another reason. You see, I might have been able to swallow the rest of the hypocritical, contradictory nonsense, if it wasn't for the snake. I might have swallowed hook-line-and-sinker the gobbledegook about loaves and fishes and the ark. I might have skipped over the Deity approved rape of 14 year old girls; well, what else do you call what happened to Mary? In this day an age, the Holy Spirit would be on the sex offenders' register and his name and address printed in the Vigilantes Welcome column in the Daily Mail. I may have ignored the stuff about the subjugation and humiliation of women being a great and fine thing. I might even at this moment not be coveting my neighbours ass, if it wasn't for the snake. You see, if it wasn't for the snake, I could have been living a life of self-censoring, self-loathing deception. That's what the snake was meant to be; a warning. To warn me of the consequences of my sins. But all the snake gave me was my ambitions in life. Pride and greed, gluttony and sloth, a touch of envy, with a side order of wrath and a large healthy dose of lust. Oh yes, I have a great deal to thank the snake for. Favorite Things...
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According to statistics, the average person lies 7,500 times a day. Or something. I'm not sure of the actual figure, but when you're writing something it's essential to sound authoritative in your opening sentence, so I lied about it. The important thi
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